One of the most famous, over-quoted lines in motion picture history is from the 1992 Penny Marshall film A League of Their Own. The quote goes as follows: “Are you crying? There’s no crying in baseball.” One character declares something to be true, whether it is or not, because it’s humorous. Comedy always trumps fact. There is no such rule. The umps would have to throw fans out of the game who get misty eyed while singing “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.”   I bring up this quote today because I feel like I want to walk into the Robinson Township Market District Giant Eagle and scream something …

On the Friday night following Thanksgiving I skipped my Montour High School reunion. I was in town, I had zero plans for the night but I still didn’t go. Why? Probably because as an adult I finally know myself. I know that while I love the idea of a high school reunion, actually showing up sounds horrible. This has nothing to do with my former classmates. They’re great. I just hate social gatherings in general. I’m a bit of a recluse. Back in the day I didn’t hang out with the students unless I was performing with them (i.e. soccer games, the school musical, or band concerts).  I only went to…

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Bing Crosby crooning in the distance, and jingle bells are all sounds that evoke the Christmas holiday. But if you are a resident of Western Pennsylvania, you need to add the sound of a shotgun to that list. BOOM! Ho, ho, ho … I hear hunters so it must mean that Christmas is around the corner! For as long as I can remember hunting season joins forces with the holiday season here in Robinson Township. I remember as a kid I would ask my mom why we always had the Monday after Thanksgiving off from school and she would simply answer, “it’s hunting season.” I’m …

It’s not my fault that I was guilty of overeating on Thanksgiving. I partially blame the aroma of my mother’s stuffing. Stupid aroma. But would you like to know who’s really to blame? Jillian Michaels, coach from NBC’s The Biggest Loser. I saw Jillian being interviewed during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. Al Roker asked her what Americans could do to eat healthy this holiday her answer was, “Enjoy yourself! Eat what you want. Work out tomorrow!” Huh? A weight-loss coach is telling the entire country to totally pig out on Thanksgiving just as long as they work out the next day? Deal! So I …

I am to traveling as oil is to water. I enjoy new locations, but I hate the getting there. Mostly because I suffer from vertigo, but also because I don't like change. Lately, I've been traveling the country by bus on behalf of a Pittsburgh-based corporation filming training videos designed to motivate employees during the upcoming holiday season.  My fellow corporate travelers are more at ease than I am. I’m a homebody. I’m from Pittsburgh/Robinson Township and that’s where I attended college (Duquesne). I have not spent very much time away from home, except for a four-month stint in San …

I am a people-pleaser, so Election Day can be dangerous. I love to exercise my right to vote, but I feel guilty not voting for half of the candidates. As I approach my polling place I always avoid eye contact so I don’t get offered a flyer by a candidate from the opposite party. And that’s because if they offer me one, I will take it.  I have been known to stand outside of my polling place and let a candidate from the opposite party spew his or her views that were completely contradictory to my own, because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. It is far easier on my soul if I put my head …

I’m very sorry for all the Hurricane victims. The devastation on the East Coast was completely awful. It was truly sad. On a lighter note, I’m also a little depressed for a much less important reason. They postponed Halloween! (And I didn’t even think they could do that.) I know that as Americans we can do practically anything we want. But how do you change the date of a major holiday? They don’t move Christmas! It’s not like I don’t understand the motivation. Who wants their kid walking around in the rain for Halloween candy? Although I could take that question one step further and say, “It’…

Where can you find the best darn burger in the ‘burbs? Every meat-eater on the planet knows the answer to that, at least in their carnivorous opinion. For years I’ve been listening to my brother Nick (who is now a vegetarian) lecture me that the best burger in the Burgh was at a place called Tessaro’s in Bloomfield. I’ve eaten there. Not bad at all.  My mother’s stove top burgers are fantastic. Come to think of it, my off-the-grill burgers are pretty good too. But then, everything changed. I was sent to Burgatory in The Pointe at North Fayette. I am a changed woman. Don’t you dare call the …

I love it. Leaves are flying, pumpkins are getting stabbed and most people are in costume. Yes! It’s Halloween season! If you’ve read this column before you may be familiar with my obsession for the autumnal holiday! Whether you’re talking house-decorating (which I still have yet to finish) or pumpkin purchasing (got a huge one last week) I’m a fan! This year, however, I have been super busy and I haven’t been able to take the time to fully appreciate ghosts and goblins and such. I have yet to visit a pumpkin patch, which for me, is quite scandalous.  I haven’t gone to one haunted house. I …

I’ve met a few celebrities in my lifetime. Woody Allen made my knees weak. Molly Ringwald? Not so much. So I was taken aback at how much I was taken aback by a celebrity sighting at the Market District Giant Eagle in Robinson. Mind you, I spend way too much time there. And I’ve never seen a celeb. Until now. I had to go shopping on a Saturday because it was literally my first day off of work in over a month. Mom and I worked our way through the store trying to remain pleasant despite the fact that we both hate crowds. But mom and I were not phased by the crowds, the noise, or even the jazz …

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. `'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door - Only this, and nothing more. - Edgar Allen Poe (The Raven) I have been thinking of this Poe poem lately. While he is speaking of a raven rapping and tapping on his chamber door, I have been hearing stink bugs rapping and tapping on my bedroom window. Not nearly as poetic, I know. I can’t …

There are very few categories in this world in which I would claim to be an expert. They include Katharine Hepburn movies, Truman Capote stories, mental illness, and church festivals. If you don’t believe me then check out this! How many movies did Katharine Hepburn make with Cary Grant? Four. BAM!  Who was Truman Capote’s favorite relative? His second-cousin Sook! BAM! How do you cure borderline personality disorder? You don’t! BAM! What is the most fun church festival in the Pittsburgh region? The St. Malachy Nationality Food Festival in Kennedy Township! BAM! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and…

Last night as I was driving home from play rehearsal, I turned the bend onto my street and I swear a porcupine ran out in front of my car. I think. It was a round, mass of fur slowly trying to run across the street.  My first logical thoughts were that it was merely a really big groundhog, but no. It didn’t resemble a groundhog at all. My second suspicion was that it was a morbidly obese raccoon, which is totally believable considering all the garbage they eat. Although this creature was not striped nor did it have a tail quite like a raccoon. Honestly, it looked a lot like Sonic from the …

The bad thing about being an adult and no longer attending school is … Where’s your school spirit?  That’s why I’ve had so much fun in these back-to-school days driving around my suburban neighborhood, eyeing two giant banners on Silver Lane and Clever Road, both of which read: SPARTAN SPIRIT! (It also helps that the weather and the sunsets have been awesome). It’s funny, as an adult I identify so much with my career. If someone were to ask me to describe myself in one word, I would say “artist.” (I’m a comedian and an actor. Or at least I act like a comedian). This amuses me because as a …

To the shock and chagrin of many, I am not a fan of Kevin Smith movies. That’s odd because he’s made movies like Mall Rats and Clerks and I’m comedian who was raised in the suburbs who loves both sarcasm and death. I guess I always thought his films were indicative of his slacker generation (i.e. lazy). Indeed he says the film “Slacker” was his inspiration to become a director. I evoke Kevin Smith and his so-so cinema this week because I have noticed an odd phenomenon at the Mall at Robinson.  Has anyone else noticed that we have actual mall rats? Mall rats (besides being one of Mr. Smith’s …

I spent the better part of 2012 not owning a car. For many suburbanites this idea does not compute. I wish I could tell you the reason for not owning a car was my decision to go green. I wish that it had more to do with a personal philosophy rather than a lack of funds. But alas. I am the embodiment of a freelance artist.You may not agree, but I think being a freelance artist without a car is sometimes arguably more difficult than someone who has a steady job. With a steady job your schedule is concrete. You can make alternate arrangements whether it be by bus, bike, foot or cab.As a …

  It was my first day of ninth grade. Twenty-eight nervous 14-year-olds shuffled into Mrs. Ullman’s honors English class. As students at David E. Williams Middle School, the stories of Mrs. Ullman’s English class had trickled down. We were understandably and knowingly nervous. Mrs. Ullman entered the room looking like a rock star. She had the figure of a female superhero and she had long, wild blond hair that was usually wind-blown from riding her motorcycle to work. She stood at a podium and pointed to a model guillotine that rested on top of a cabinet. Calmly, she spoke “Charles Dickens …

I’ve already written about the apparently impossible concept of pedestrians, cyclists and motorists sharing the road with one another without killing one another. The response was mixed. Many cyclists thanked me. Others despise the road pedalers and said “I see too many cyclists riding through stop signs”. It was a polarizing topic which made this people-pleasing columnist tense. With that said, here I go again. I think it is time for the Robinson Township Police to station a crossing guard at the Market District Giant Eagle. Last Sunday my mother and I were shopping at the store in Robinson …

Perhaps the greatest perk about living in a suburb outside of a bigger city is that the city is technically not your home. Therefore if you need a quick two day getaway then a trip to the big city is actually an option. Plus it feels like a vacation! Well, sort of. This past week I spent two nights in a hotel in downtown Pittsburgh for a mini-vacation. This summer really got away from me, and I just did not take the time to plan out a proper trip. Also I have been really busy with my five zillion freelance gigs and taking time off seemed irresponsible. I knew that I had two free days this …

The distinction between being a little kid or a big kid is a very big deal when growing up in the suburbs. Big kids seem to have access to all the cool activities. While little kids are usually ordered to stay in their yards for fear of danger. I remember the exact moment when I officially crossed the line from little kid to big kid. It was early June in the 1990s and a radio station formerly known as “Mixed Jams” was playing in the background. I was 12 and my best friend Bethany was 10. I’m not sure where our male buddies were that particular day, but they were not present. Beth and I were …